She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
