If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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