i don't plan on having that self control this summer
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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