If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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