So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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