he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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