my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
