Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
