Someone shit on the floor
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
3 2 1 whiskey
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
