WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
