When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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