I cannot find my penis.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
