I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
