I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
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