I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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