I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
