Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
