no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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