Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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