Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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