i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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