I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
