I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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