I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
