All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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