I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
