ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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