we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
