I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
