What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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