And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
