i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
