no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
