Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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