i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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