You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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