I looked at my own cervix.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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