do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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