Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
