it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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