why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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