apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
