I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
