they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
