seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
His hands were made for my vagina.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
