Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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