and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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