This is not my ceiling
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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