Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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