I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
