Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
