Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
