I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
