Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
