Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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